Then comes why.

I searched online and found some articles that matches me and my past.
One of them is here. As is said, arrogance is “species of pride which consists in exorbitant claims of rank, dignity, estimation, or power, or which exalts the worth or importance of the person to an undue degree”, or “a way of manipulating others’ perceptions of yourself in order to avoid taking a “hit” to your self-esteem”.

The writer does know me quite well, judging by the summary of the features of my arrogance:

Early negative experiences;
Misconceptions about the nature of self, life or others;
A constant fear and sense of insecurity;
A maladaptive strategy to protect the self;
A persona to hide all of the above in adulthood.

My childhood was not so negative – I lived in a normal Asian doctor family. Father was strict and Mother was spoiling.
Mother went for another city, to pursue her master and PhD when I was 9 years old, therefore I lived with Father, until I started boarding high school. It was fortunate in a way, that I stopped receiving spoiling love early enough to stand on my feet.
During those days, computers and video games were my best friends. Father, good dad as he is, has a prejudice towards this and forbids me to touch most of it. This type of fear lived with me until now.

As years go on, I developed a tendency to live under other people’s opinions – I live well because of the way other people look at me. If I do this, people will think I do a good job and will look high of me – about what I do, not about who I am. This made me high achiever, all the way through the school and university. I became less and less frank. Hiding behind a wall of “who I think I want to be, in front of others” , is the true self, shy and sometimes selfish, lack of security, lack of determination and persistence.
I know some friends who acts like me – hide the true self behind the curtain and smile. We hope that when pretending long enough, it will become the truth. When exchanging the true self under masks, we become close for a lifetime.
I want to say thanks to my arrogance in this sense.

The thing is, each coin has two sides. I am nice and gentle when I can help. However when I become the wrong side – that happens often these days – I become the one who self-defends his “righteousness”. Subconsciously, I started siding with myself and making myself believe that “I didn’t do anything wrong because of my arrogance and ignorance. It is from outside or just a small mistake.”
Then excuses come, excuses got broken, and quarrel starts.

And this is why, my friend, you need to listen to me. Gone are the days I follow you and get tricked by you.


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